Dozens from Newmarket and Georgina were taken into custody last Sunday morning after a midnight battle reenactment at King’s Landing turned ugly. The trouble began on Saturday when throngs of participants arrived in medieval armor, along with swords, battle shields, ballistas and 6 war horses. It was supposed to be an evening of friendly rivalry between the Keswick and Newmarket “armies” featuring displays of swordsmanship, battleaxe ice-carving and a reenactment of the Battle of the Blackwater.
The actual battle was intended primarily as a photo session, a chance for both armies to show off their costumes and strike fearsome poses for the cameras. Unfortunately, the Keswickians had prepared several 40-gallon barrels of green Jello to be used as “Wildfire”. Several witnesses said that Joffrey Baratheon, a 15-year-old Tim Hortons server from Keswick, escalated the conflict when he ordered his forces to pour the green goo into a replica catapult and launch it at the Newmarket ranks.
“We had agreed not to use Wildfire“, said Stannis Baratheon, a 27-year-old Linux systems administrator from Newmarket. “What an absolute bastard Joffrey is!”.
The Wildfire did not burn, but it did cover the Newmarket forces in gallons of green slime and brought the battle to a boil.
In the ensuing brawl, Stannis managed to grab Widow’s Wail, Joffrey’s prized Valyrian steel sword and fling it into the middle of the icy Holland River. Witnesses heard Joffrey screaming “Do you have any idea what those things cost — you can’t even find them on the Valryian Steel website!” Both sides began grabbing each other’s weapons and either breaking them or throwing them into the river.
Police were called around 2AM when one of the horses reared and kicked a catapult, causing it to roll down an embankment and bounce into the windshield of Joffrey Baratheon’s Honda Civic.
Along with the Baratheons, police arrested Tywin Lannister, 27 of Sutton, Ser Loras Tyrell, 28 of Keswick and at least 46 others.
“That night was truly dark and full of terrors” added Melisandre Owen, a 24-year-old student from Pefferlaw, who watched the entire battle unfold from her car which was parked on Holland Landing Road.
On Monday morning, local fisherman were seen trawling the river to recover lost weapons and battle armour.